Making Money. Killing Shame.

When I think about all the things I want to buy myself and my family in this life, I understand that all of that requires money. I also understand that the money required needs to come from somewhere … likely from me making it. I know. Sigh.

When I’m thinking about all the shit I want, I feel great. Overseas houses. A house for my momma. A house on my property to build and display all of my lego sets. Travel for me and my daughter. A pet pig. Have you ever felt the joy of thinking about dressing up your pet pig in cute bows and just having that little motherfucker hanging out in the backseat of your car looking out the window as you drive to fucking Target to shop without looking at one price tag? If you say “no”, I have a hug with your name on it.

ALL OF THAT requires me to trade myself in some way for money. The trade we most often make is a regular, degular job. A 9-5 where we trade little bits of our soul so that another human can tick things off their happy list and build wealth for their family. I’m an entrepreneur. So for me, that means I had the audacity to make a sharp left and decided that I would trade bits of my soul FOR ME. You know, the more even trade. I will work way more than 40 hours per week for me and my family. I’m not depending on some outside system to get me closer to my dream. I am the fucking system AND the dream.

Except, I didn’t factor for the shame.

In this entire ecosystem I built, I never accounted for the amount of shame and self-disgust, and the propensity for self-sabotage that exists because I want money. And while I haven’t officially declared it to you yet … I. Want. Money.

This shame is one we talk about often, especially as entrepreneurs. Coaches have built empires helping other people get comfortable with the idea, and frankly, the fucking reality of making money. What’s absolutely gut wrenching for me is that I know that shame has multiple sources. So while I’m plugin that source on one end of the system, that shame pours out of another weakening in my resolve.

I’m only going to describe two of my own sources for the purposes of this conversation: the social source and the umbilical source.

The umbilical source is a long story. A long collection of shitty experiences about me not getting the things I want growing up because turns out food is more important to a child than a collection of bejeweled belly button troll dolls. But I can easily sum it up into one thought.

I can’t make a bunch of money because my family did the very best they could with what they had. Making a bunch of money is essentially flaunting in their face that I can do it better (negative) and saying that I am better than them.

No, I don’t go to therapy, why do you ask?

The social source is that we live in a world with disgustingly rich white men who are more interested in going to hang out in space on a Friday night than I don’t know … ending world fucking hunger. So the idea of coming close to that is terrifying because I can’t be associated with those dudes in any capacity. And this seemingly random thought is what prompted this entire rant.

How can I want beaucoup bucks and still want to eat the rich?

And as soon as I thought it, the Universe (and the microchip implanted in all of us) activated and delivered an answer via TikTok. What a shocker.

A new-to-me-but-not-to-the-platform creator, grandpasyummytoes, has a video that he posted on October 4, 2023 with an example that will forever live in my brain providing perspective on the difference between a million dollars and a billion dollars. He related it to time.

If you were asked to wait a million seconds for something, you’d be waiting 11-ish days.

If you were asked to wait a billion seconds for that same thing, do you know how long you would wait? 

THIRTY-TWO YEARS!

Do I even have thirty-two years left on my clock? 

Again with the therapy question. No, I don’t go to therapy, why do you ask … repeatedly?

Would it be amazing to walk around with multiple billions of dollars? Probably.

But that wouldn’t be sustainable for me. Tithing is a core value for me in my life and in my business. If I generated that kind of revenue, everywhere in America would have clean drinking water. Because yeah, that’s not actually a thing we have here.

I want money. 

I need money to do that things I want for myself, my family, and the world I live in.

So, in turn …I’m going to go make that money without an ounce of guilt. And you should, too.